Steam Store Pages - Part One.

The box art blurb has been the staple of advertising games that come in boxes for as long as I can remember. With most PC games on digital the steam store page now fills this void, where the publisher can explain the riveting features that beholdest within.

Sometimes though, a game is so dire that extremely fancy wording is needed to try and liven up the "features". So without further ado, I inversed the steam store metacritic rating and started reading through games I had no intention of playing. All ingame pics are courtesy of the store page, cherry picked for their awesome example of the game.

The cast ring their one shared agent to try and find a way out.

1) Grey's Anatomy - Metacritic 36/100
  • Play as the Stars. For the first time ever, play as Meredith, Derek, Cristina or any of your favorite cast members, with 3-D character models based on the original TV actors' likenesses. See the state of Seattle Grace Hospital's cast as it deals with one of the worst crises in the hospital's history!
Play as any of your favourite cast members? So I can play as Man Sitting on Bench #3? Fuck yeah, I love that guy! Man one time he had a sandwich, I was so fucking psyched at the drama going on. Interesting to note that it says I can see the state of the cast, rather than calling them the staff. This suggests to me there's going to be a bit of 4th wall pandering, and the crisis isn't really the medical emergency but rather that getting roped into this game is. Seattle Grace hospital has never sunk so low.
  • Influence the Storyline. Influence character dialogue and make critical decisions that affect the outcome of the storyline and the state of the hospital.
This I particularly like. Incase you forgot you were looking at a game rather than an episode of the show, there's this little nudge that, y'know, this experience is interactive. This is the same as Half Life 2 advertising "Influence where the player will be with full WASD and mouse movement! Influence when your bullets will fire every time you click the mouse!".
  • Perform Surgeries. Take hold of your mouse to perform multi-step surgeries as you tackle life or death situations in the operating room.
Ah, finally. An actual unique gameplay mechanic, until I realised multi-step didn't mean a DDR/Trauma Center mashup. Nice to know that I'm meant to take hold of my mouse for this, before I assumed I merely left some cheese infront of it and nudged it with my nose to play.
  • Accessible Gameplay. User-friendly interface and innovative gameplay takes advantage of the freedom of the mouse.
I've been taken advantage of too many times by friendly users to trust one ever again. Nice to know that they're extra keen to remind me that I will probably be using my mouse, I was mistaking this for the pre-windows 95 edition. I thought I was going over the top with my HL2 joke blurb earlier, but this game assumes you're 178% retarded.

The Steam Store page thought a pumping factory with no action or player onscreen best advertised this game. So much so there's three pictures of standard buildings out of the six on offer.

2) Damnation - Metacritic 41/100
  • Choose your own paths and navigate the world by performing daredevil feats on the edge of human ability.
Ok, so this game is actually advertising WASD interactivity as a feature. It does redeem itself by further contextualising that these will be daredevil WASD feats though.
  • Intelligent enemies will give chase and engage players in frantic gun fights and attacks that can come from any direction.
Isn't this one also a bit redundant? Come on, it's to be expected. You know what other game had intelligent enemies and the 3d potential to offer attacks from any direction? Battlezone. In 1980.
  • Miles of awe-inspiring landscapes and up to three hours of actual gameplay per level.
The vaugness of gameplay is what gets me here. What is fecking gameplay? Is 2 hours and 50 minutes stuck standing still and backtracking everywhere trying to solve a bad puzzle part of gameplay? Or multiple failed attempts at a laborious quick time event? Maybe even respawning again and again at a failed section a part of that three hour time, who knows.

As this is turning out longer than I thought for a one off piece, I'm leaving it here whilst I go and search for some more bad store blurbs.

1 comment:

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